I'm holding on before it fades away.

American Idol Season 11 has just crowned the winner and it is Phillip who won the first place. I think this season of american idol has such strong vocalists for the top three placing. I was quite excited to know who won the competition. These are two songs that I love most from each of the two finalists. Both add their own respective. unique touch to the songs they sang. By the way, Jessica is only at the age of 16, yet her voice is so powerful! (I do not own any of these videos, they are taken from youtube for viewing pleasure.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBtMQ4bt3bI&feature=relmfu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfRya-P4ffk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2GQ5KdyvvU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8xrlOUvyEI

Since summer has started, I have been lazing around and watching a lot of tv shows. I could lie in bed all day watching shows, all kinds of shows, and just let time pass. Which is what made me want to voice out what I feel about tv shows and how the storyline somehow surface in reality, although in much subtle manners. 

Friendships, love and family relationships are the most recurring themes in tv shows. To be honest, I feel like though I have a fair number of friends, but theres only a small number of close friends that I let in to my self-protected world. I have always had this feeling of repulse (kept to myself most of the time) of people who act like they are close to me even though I barely know them for months. What are those mere few months in comparison to friends and people who have known me for years? Nothing. That is precisely why I dislike people who pretend like they know you so darn well and be so close to you, when all you ever want was to hide away from such people as subtly as possible. I feel that people who accept these sudden acts of closeness are people who are insecure on the inside. (Not that I'm not, but maybe in a different way?) Such acts allow one to feel accepted, feel wanted. But is it acts of genuine friendship? Or is it just mere fill in for those empty gaps that they are feeling?

This sudden want to jot down these opinions is due to some random show that I watched last week. The male lead was strongly influenced by the peer pressure of this new female colleague, basking in the attention that she gave, and submitting to her subtle ways of coercing him into believing that his one true love was not the one for him. How could this absurdity happen?! I could not comprehend whether it was due to the female colleague's selfish intents of wanting this new friend's and everyone's attention all to herself, or was it because she was too messed up herself, in her own relationship, that she would frown upon the happiness of the male lead, trying means to destroy it. Which by the way, both are equally evil and annoying. In another light, what was the male lead thinking about, giving up his relationship just like that?

I genuinely believe that only people whom I have known for years are considered close to me, and are likely to be the ones I want to share my life with. Though this thought may seem flawed, but it is just a normal act of self-protection in my personal opinion. Why should I give up what I feel strongly about and what I believed in as my future, just because of some new person who came by and appeared to "know everything" about me from the outside, but barely nothing on the inside? I want to live life based on my own decisions and thoughts. It is my life after all.

Furthermore, I also feel that sometimes people should just keep their judgements of other peoples' relationships, both family and love, to themselves. Who gave anyone the right to judge something that is not theirs, not their own experience? No one. Thus, no one except those in the relationship can and should pass judgements and make decisions, as after all, it is their relationship, not anyone else's.

It is easy to ponder about this right of judgement, but may actually be a fairly difficult task to act upon to some who cannot just mind their own business. Sometimes it is just too easy and convenient to pass judgements about others. We have all been there, done that.

And of course this means I turned off the tv without watching the show till the end. The absurdity was too overwhelming. Though it might not happen in reality in such proportions of exaggeration, it somehow still pollutes the mind and incite feelings of uneasiness.

(Wow, I could go on and write an entire essay with main arguments and proper paragraphing on this topic.)

Seems like just yesterday when you and I would send bro back to camp, yet time had flew by so fast that my bro ORD LO! Sometimes it frightens me how fast time passes, and how easily we forget things and people whom we once held so dearly in our hearts. I used to love falling asleep before you, before everyone else as it made me feel very safe, very at ease knowing that there's someone out there waiting for me to fall asleep, whom I could call on should I see monsters. In the recent months, I've had this new habit such that the few moments right before I fall asleep every night, I try to conjure up as many faces of the people whom I once held and still hold close to my heart. I fear. I fear that one day when I wake up, I may no longer be able to remember how their faces look like, and how special the moments that we once shared were. I remember reading somewhere which said that a song brings back memories and kind of speaks of your feelings every time you sang or listened to it. In my opinion, I feel that a photograph does so much more in preserving memories. With reference to what I said earlier on, photos can help one to remember exactly how that special someone look like, at least the way you remember them. Every time one gaze at an old photo, it just inevitably brings back so much memories. Its amazing how naturally occurring that one remembers exactly almost everything that happened in the scene. Through the background, you remember where you were which lead you to think of why and how you ended up at that place. Through the expressions of the people, you remember what was the mood like, which eventually compel you to try to think of what was the exact conversation like. But is it necessarily good to remember everything, even those tiny details? Maybe afterall, you no longer want me to remember any of it. Where do we go then? I once and still imagine a future in which we are legendary, together, even after all the stumbles and falls. But that is only how far my imagination could take me, nothing further even if I hope.

Days like these you just can't help, but want to pen down thoughts, feelings that had been suppressed in your mind, your heart for the longest time. What is it that we're all looking forward to? What is it that motivates us to want to wake up, to move along, every single day? Soul searching, self reflection had become such a huge part of everyday thoughts. What surprises me is the fact that at some point of time, when you feel like you've grown so much stronger, so much wiser, you start to be taken aback by something else that made you realised that after all, you're not yet that strong and wise as you thought you are. It is just emotions and tears being suppressed in your attempt to run away, but somehow at a certain point of time, you break down, you cry, and you think about why you ran in the first place. Was it fear? Was it insecurities? Or was it merely pride? There is so much to learn, so much to feel, and so much to share that it seems like one lifetime is insufficient. So how do we come to be like those who seemed to have everything, whom everyone envied for their possessions, tangible or not. It feels like it is a lifetime of chasing, chasing after things you desire, people you desire. Are those who end up with nothing at some point of time necessarily losers? Or are they just recharging so that they can continue the chase for those desires? One thing that seemed universal no matter if you lose or win the chase is that with companionship, the chase somehow becomes easier, much comforting. Without companionship, it is just a race that only has you in the scene. Its times like this when you feel somewhat sandwiched between wanting to be able to share all these thoughts with a close one whom you can trust, and wanting to just shut yourself from the world in your tiny cosy bedroom free from harm. It is my hope that one day, I will be able to abandon those "What If (s)" to the back of my mind and be brave enough to take a step towards the imagined future that I envisaged. Whether the ending of the story is the one that I desired, at least I've taken that chance in attempting to build the future that I wanted. Only then, there would only be regrets that things did not happen the way I wanted them to, but not of regrets that I've never tried.

Live to fight another day.